“Authentic”, “Bubbly”, “Creative”, “Enthusiastic”, “Passionate”, “Smart” are just some of the nice words I often get described with by those who have spent ample time with me. I truly appreciate it. I am thankful that most of the time these words are true about me. However what most people don’t know and see is that I am as well the exact opposite of these nice words.
I have mornings with a sunbeam energy. I get up extra enthusiastic with the mind full of visions and a heart overflowing with possibilities. I spend afternoons with creativity as high and bright as the noon sun. And of course, evenings with life’s purpose is as vivid as the night sky full of stars. I experience life in full and extra. It’s as if I’m on the edge of the horizon of possibilities and the stars are just arms reach. Exaggerated as it may seem but all these I truly feel. I have times of being extra in everything, hyped in every aspect, up in every moment. Everything just make sense. It’s all perfect!
These delightful perspectives are not simply brought by fortunate events as how it usually goes. In my case, it’s all from within. I don’t simply have it, I am it. I am thankful and humbled to be able to think and feel in such way; to be extra confident as if all the odds are in my favor; to be extra creative as if the whole world is my canvass just waiting to be painted. And so, I start to paint the world in full spectrum, nothing but bright colors. Every color is a dream come true. Every stroke is a goal achieved. Everything is sound until the clock strikes in reverse and all of the sudden, I turn into a complete nothingness.
I have this time of utter loneliness. It’s almost impossible to describe. It’s not simply triggered by misfortune and most certainly not a choice. It just happens. I crash way down below that I start drowning into space. I wish I could call it a bad day or another negative thought but it’s not. It’s an unbearable loneliness. It’s when breathing becomes a struggle because it’s exactly when I mostly want it to stop. It is not about not seeing the good things because I still do, only I lose all its meaning. Unable to move forward because all the drive has left. I am alive but lifeless. Nothing matters.
. . .
Until the clock strikes again.